Why You Need To Start Loving Your Self Right Now! Everything You Need To Know About Self-Love
With Valentine’s Day coming up, I thought now would be a good time to talk about the most important relationship you will ever have; the one with yourself. Self-Love is essential for us to live a happy and fulfilling life. If it’s so important, why is so hard for us to find a little love for ourself?
What is Self-Love?
Self-love is considered one of the basic human necessities, and yet so many of us struggle with it. Some believe they don’t deserve it and others are convinced that loving themselves is narcissistic. Both are wrong.
Many people confuse self-love with self-care. Although it can be a part of self-care, self-love isn’t just treating yourself to a spa day. It encompasses so much more.
It is a deep state of appreciation for yourself. Self-love is accepting yourself for exactly who you are right now, regardless of what you have or have not accomplished. It is cherishing what makes you unique. It’s showing yourself compassion and taking responsibility for your own happiness.
Think of it this way. When an airplane is in distress, we are told to put our own oxygen masks on before helping anyone else with theirs. The reason? If we try to help others before putting on our own mask, we will be unconscious before we get the opportunity to help anyone else. Self-love is the same. We need to love ourselves first or we will have nothing to give to others.
This is not arrogance or vanity. Instead, it is a recognition that you are worthy of respect, happiness, nurturing and above all love, especially your own.
The Importance of Self-Love
Now that we know a little bit about what self-love is, the question becomes, do we really need it? Yes! We really do!
Lack of self-love can affect us emotionally, mentally and physically.
A lack of self-love can lead to:
- Insomnia
- Stress and anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Weight fluctuations
- Memory loss
- Depression
- Headaches
- Chronic pain
- Increased risk of heart attack
Aside from the above issues, lack of self-love can cause us to sabotage ourselves, pushing the good things away. When we believe that we are unworthy of good in our lives, we can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Without self-love, even our relationships suffer. We can’t teach others how to love us if we don’t know how to love ourselves. On top of that, we depend fully on our partners for all of our emotional needs, because we are unable to provide them for ourselves. We look outside of ourselves instead of within.
We can not thrive without self-love
All areas in our lives are affected by how we feel towards ourselves. .
We become people-pleasers and perfectionists. Seeking approval from others instead of ourselves. The need to fill the void within us can cause us to become desperate for that approval. This can then lead us to choosing unhealthy and even dangerous relationships. We will put up with more because deep down we don’t believe we deserve better.
When I was younger, I didn’t believe I was worthy of love. My own or anyone else’s. Because of this, my relationships never lasted. At the time, I blamed it on there being “no good men left” and believed I was just unlucky in love. Looking back, I now realize I chose people who were wrong for me and emotionally unavailable because I didn’t feel I deserved anything more than that.
When you love yourself, you chose people and experiences that are good for you. You know that you deserve the best and will accept nothing less.
Why is it So Hard to Love Yourself?
For most of us it is much easier to love others than to love ourselves. We are taught (sometimes by well-meaning care takers), that loving ourselves is selfish. That it is much more valiant to give all of ourselves to others. What they fail to mention is that if we give everything to others, we have nothing left to give ourselves.
Is this you? When someone says you look nice do you respond with, “Really? My hair is a mess. I hate these jeans, they make me feel fat.”
Here’s the problem. The more we put ourselves down, the easier it is to believe those damaging remarks. We have successfully trained ourselves to let in the negative and deny any compliments.
Stop Comparing Yourself!
As humans we have a very bad habit of comparing ourselves to others. What’s worse is that we compare ourselves to others that are at the end of their journey, not in the midst of it. What do I mean by that? We look at someone who is successful and think “man I wish I could be like them.” However, they have been working at it for 20 years, while we have just started this year.
Comparing ourselves to anyone else is a waste of our energy. It is even more of a waste to compare ourselves to someone further along in their journey than we are.
We are all unique individuals that have a purpose that is equally unique. Comparing ourselves to someone else is like a bird comparing itself to a moose, it’s silly. Embrace your individuality!
If that weren’t enough, the media contributes to our difficulties in finding self-love. Advertisements present us with impossible body image expectations. Expectations that for men and women are impossible to live up to. Even the models can’t live up to them and are therefore digitally altered to meet that impossible standard! How can we possibly live up to these images?
The Inner Critic & Other Pesky Voices in Our Head
Inner Critic
Our inner critic is one of the biggest obstacles to cultivating self-love. It speaks to us in “always’ and nevers”
- You will never get that promotion.
- You’ll always be alone.
- You will never be taken seriously as an author.
Sound familiar? If you hear statements like this in your head, it is likely your inner critic interfering. Yes! Your inner critic is an absolute bitch!
However, your inner critic isn’t doing this to hurt you. In fact, it is trying to keep you safe. It does not want you to go out and risk failure or humiliation. Unfortunately, you can’t succeed unless you take some risks. Failure is nothing more than a learning experience on the road to success.
From Critic to Cheerleader
There are a few ways to work with your inner critic. One temporary fix includes thanking it for the advice and asking it to go on a vacation somewhere nice. If your inner critic is being really bothersome, you may have to teach it how to be your cheerleader.
The next time your inner critic starts criticizing you, tell it very clearly that you will not listen to it if it is going to insult you. It needs to be constructive if it wants to be heard. It needs to tell you how you can improve next time.
For example, you just finished doing a podcast interview and your critic starts telling you how terrible it was. “You sucked! Everyone is going to think you are stupid and have no idea what you are talking about.” Before letting this go any further, tell your critic “I will not listen to you if you are going to talk to me like that. If you have some advice you’d like to share with me, you can do so in a kind and constructive way. How could I improve for the next interview?” Your inner critic may respond with something like “it would be better if you spoke a little slower during the podcast next time.” To which you may reply “Thank you. Is there anything else?” This little dialog may continue for awhile and it is a good idea to take notes.
Like I said, our inner critics are not trying to hurt us. They want the best for us, but it needs us to teach it how to serve us in a better way.
The Perfectionist
The perfectionist is one of my biggest enemies. I still struggle with taming my perfectionist.
Often our the perfectionist will work along side the inner critic. The conversation may sound a little like this “That’s it? That’s the best you can do? You aren’t actually going to use that are you? There is a smudge on that paper! Everyone is going to think you are an amateur. No one is going to take you seriously. You are never going to succeed if that’s the kind of work you put out. You will always be failure.”
Here’s the real tricky part with the perfectionist. Everyone thinks that your perfectionist pushes you to produce impeccable work. That it helps you to do everything perfectly. The part most people don’t realize is that often the perfectionist just causes us to give up. It puts the idea in your head that if you can’t do it perfectly, you might as well not do it at all. The really sad part is people who deal with this sort of overt perfectionism, (thanks to a little prompting from their inner critic), think they are just lazy. They are not lazy, they just haven’t figured out how to deal with their perfectionism.
How to Curb Your Perfectionist
When dealing with your perfectionist, you start by making a list of the pros and cons of your perfectionism. By looking at what it is keeping you from accomplishing your goals, you get a more realistic view of your perfectionism.
It is also a good idea to ask “What is the worst thing that would happen if…
- I had a spelling mistake in my work
- The paper was smudged
- I was two minutes late
- There was a wrinkle in my shirt
- I didn’t make my bed like Martha Stewart
The perfectionist has unrealistic expectations. It’s not the end if the world if you have any grammatical errors in your email to let that guy, who put up posters for his lost chinchilla Bob, know that it is your not you’re. (Of course if you are emailing a stranger to let them know they are using incorrect grammar, your perfectionism may not be your biggest problem.)
Finally, try to purposely not be perfect. Find a few things that are not too important that you can practice this with. For example, try being two minutes late to your Zoom coffee date with your best friend. Try going to the corner store without ironing your jeans. Put something out there after only editing it for an hour instead 3 weeks. Take baby steps and don’t worry too much about it. It doesn’t have to be perfect!
Limiting Beliefs
Many times what is fuelling our perfectionist and inner critic is our limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are born of our experiences and the experiences of those closest to us. They are beliefs that become our truth and keep us from achieving all our goals. They limit us.
Being bullied or abused can devastate ones ability for self-love and create damaging limiting beliefs. “I must be unloveable to be treated that way,” is just one of the limiting beliefs that can develop. These beliefs become mantras is our head, making self-love even more unrealistic.
Transforming Your Limiting Beliefs
To transform your limiting beliefs, first you need to become aware of them. Pay attention to your thoughts. Particularly thoughts that start with “I am…” or “I never…”
Some examples of limiting beliefs are:
- I am unloveable
- Nothing ever works out for me
- I am a failure
- There is not enough to go around
- I am not good enough
- The world is scarce
- I am unlucky
- I am cursed
Once you are aware of your limiting beliefs, turn them to positive affirmations. Here are the above examples as affirmations:
- I am loveable
- Everything works out perfectly for me
- I am successful
- There is more than enough to go around
- I am good enough
- The world is abundant
- I am lucky
- I am blessed
Just remember, when working with affirmations, use only positive language in the present tense. Instead of saying “I’m not a failure” you would use “I am successful” Don’t use “I will be…” use “I am…”
It’s Time to Forgive and Forget
Another obstacle that keeps many of us from ever finding self-love is not being able to forgive ourselves. We believe that we deserve to be punished for our mistakes. That whatever we have done is worse than anything anyone else has ever done. Therefore our punishment never seems to end.
We all make mistakes. Some small and some not so small. It is just part of being human. The sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can forgive ourselves and start moving towards self-love.
To forgive yourself it is helpful to acknowledge what you have done out loud with no judgement. (Yes, I know that’s really hard too do. If you do catch yourself being judgemental, try not to judge yourself for judging yourself.)
Look for the lesson. Is there a lesson you can learn from this? How can this experience make you a better person? If you are having a hard time finding the lesson, you can try journalling or meditating.
Finally, move on. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you do next that matters.
A Little Self-Love Each Day
Here are some of my favourite ways to practice self-love.
Start a gratitude journal.
Everyday write at least 5 things you are grateful for. As you write each of them down allow yourself experience the feeling of gratitude. Journal about why you are grateful for each thing you have written down.
Meditate 4–5 times a week for at least 10 minutes.
Your meditation may be as simple as closing your eyes and focusing on your breath. If you aren’t sure how to begin, try searching for guided meditations online or you can download one of mine here:
Write an “I Rock” List.
Make a list of of all your best qualities, all the reasons you rock. Include how those qualities have served and benefited you over the years.
Schedule time to show yourself some love.
At least once week schedule some time to do something that nurtures your soul. It may be something creative, like painting, drawing, colouring, knitting or maybe joining a dance class. Do yourself a favour, take some time for yourself. Taking an hour out of your time to read that trashy novel may be the perfect way to tell yourself that you matter. The important thing is to prioritize yourself. Do something that makes you feel good and don’t apologize for it.
Who’s keeping score? You are!
Keep a list of all of your successes both great and small. It can be a daily or a weekly list, just make sure you write down every win you have. Refer back to your list whenever you need a boost of confidence.
Write a love letter to yourself.
Include everything you love and admire about yourself. Write why you love and admire those qualities. Let yourself know how you are going to love and honour yourself moving forward. Make the letter as mushy and sentimental as you can. Spray a little perfume on it, draw hearts and seal it with a kiss. Keep your letter and refer back to it whenever you need a little extra love.
Conclusion
Loving ourselves is the most important thing we can do. It makes us stronger and more resilient. Helping us to overcome the challenges we face in life. It gives us the confidence to take risks and go after the things we want.
